I-messages

When we are displeased with someone's behavior, the first thing we want to do is unload all our displeasure onto the "guilty" person. "You're late again," "You didn't do what I asked you."

We start blaming the other person for all their sins, and the conflict takes a new turn. Psychologists say that expressing your point of view without offending your partner in such debates can be helped by so-called "I-messages."

Unlike You-messages, which evoke a defensive response from your conversation partner, I-messages help openly discuss feelings, which in turn strengthens the understanding between people.

Structure of I-messages:

1. Talk about feelings
2. Present facts
3. Give explanations
4. Express desires

First of all, it's necessary to let the interlocutor know what emotions/sensations you are experiencing at the moment which disturb your inner peace.

For example

• "I'm angry..."
• "I'm anxious..."
• "I'm experiencing..."

After expressing your feelings, you need to describe the fact that affected your state. It is important to be as objective as possible and not to judge the person's actions. Just describe the consequences that impacted your mood.

For example

• "I am angry that the dishes are not washed...",
• "I'm worried when people arrive late...".

Attention

Even starting with "I-message," you can switch to "You-message" at this stage. For example: "I'm annoyed because you never come on time," "I'm angry because you always have a mess."

To avoid this, it is better to use impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns, and generalizations. For example: "I'm upset when people arrive late," "I feel uncomfortable when the room is dirty".

After the facts, explaining why you are affected by this or that act is essential. In this way, the claim will not look unfounded.

For example

• «I'm angry that the dishes are not washed. I came home from work exhausted and want to rest.»
• «I worry when people are late. I start thinking that something bad might have happened ...»

In the concluding part, it is necessary to inform about your desire and what behavior you would like to see instead of the one that caused your dissatisfaction.

For example

“I'm angry that the dishes were not washed. I came back from work tired, and I want to rest. I would like everyone in our family to care about the order".

“I get worried when they are late. I start thinking that something bad might have happened. I would like people to call me in case of lateness".

Remember a situation where you expressed a grievance. What words did you use? What was the outcome of the conversation? Were you able to come to an understanding, or was a conflict sparked?

Then ponder how you might have changed the "You-messages" in this conversation to "I- messages."

It may be challenging to find the correct phrasing, but try to find phrases to express your feelings without blaming your interlocutor.